21st June 2018.

Dear me,

Oh boy have you fought a hard fight last year, and for that I apologise. I never meant to make it tough for you. You were never fighting against the enemy - you were fighting yourself. I convinced you it was right and that there was something worth fighting for. I apologise for turning your mind against you. I gave you no hope of survival last year apart from the words that you ink onto paper before locking away.

I'm sorry I let you believe that you weren't worth that love. You weren't good enough for that crush you had, you weren't special enough for familial love and you definitely weren't normal enough for platonic affection. Most of all, you were never worth the love that flows from your heart in a never ending stream waiting for someone to push it back so you feel that heartbreak - letting it creep into every crevice, cementing the fact that you were unlovable.

I was wrong, I was lost in the darkness that clouded my sight and turned my living days into the same nightmares I saw at night. That took away the joy and light of dreams and replaced them with a void of empty space as the violent thoughts corrupted my nights as well.

I am sorry. I say it a lot to others, to the animals and even to the world we live in but I don't say it to you. I have hurt you. More than anyone else possibly could have. I look back upon this year and I wonder when the hope lighting the way disappeared. The once ignited flame was lost in the shadows and there was no room for it in the self-pity I shrouded you with.

Dear me, the new year is almost upon and I want to be better for you, help me be better.

There'll be days where I suddenly feel like crying because I feel like I'm useless, there'll be days where I feel like I'm not worth in anyone's life, there'll be days where I'd ask why am I even here, or sometimes, there'll be days where I just don't know what made me feel this way, what triggered me. I know questioning a lot about my life is something that is not supposed to be done, but I know that a lot of us just couldn't help it and we kept questioning ourselves, or sometimes, questioned The Creator. Why are we fated to be facing a lot of challenges in our lives. Sometimes I would also ask, if whatever I'm doing is wrong or right? Whatever decision I've made in life, was it all wrong? Was there any mistakes in the decisions that I've made in the past? As I'm typing all this, my tears just rolled down my cheeks and I can't help it but to really not know why I'm feeling this way. It's been hard. It really has. 

To whoever loves me next, I'm sorry if I'm afraid of you or if days of flirting turn to radio silence, without warning. I'm sorry if I make you say the words over and over and over until I believe them. (I'm sorry if I don't believe them.)

I will probably spend more time worrying about losing you than I spend trying to keep you. Trouble is, every single time I've ever thought something was too good to be true - I've been right. 

Understand, I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won't know how not to regret it. And I have no idea how deep we'll be in this relationship before I admit I've never done this before. Not really. Not in any way that counts. 

I probably won't be easy to love. Too many people loved me badly, I'm not sure I know how to do it right. 

x,

nj.