05 July 2018.

It's already July, you guys! Don't you think it's fast? It is, right? The first half of 2018 passed by so fast, it's like a blink of an eye. July is my favourite month because it's the month of my birthday! Exactly 1 more week and I'm turning 22. Where, what, how did I waste my life just like that? Let's recap. 

I remember how happy I was as a kid back then when I moved to my new neighbourhood. Had the best of friends in Primary School which I'm still in contact with, up till today. Sabrina & Khaliesa. Much love! Sabrina's mum was my babysitter eversince we were in Primary 1 cos me and Sabrina was in the same class and if I'm not wrong, I got to know Khaliesa only in Primary 3 / 4, I guess? Through Sabrina. Hahaha. And we got closer in Primary 5, going to school together, going back home together, we even went Shing Sheong together every single day in the month of Ramadan! It's like, we'd find excuses to meet each other and we'd hang out under any of their block after going to the supermarket. Hahaha. And there was a time where Sabrina's sister saw us from her room's window and her mum asked why it took her so long to go home HAHAHAHA. Me and Khaliesa would sometimes bully Sabrina because she wasn't in the same colour team as us, back in Primary School days. We even played in the rain.... Oh my god, memories..... These 2 have been there for me throughout my whole entire life and honestly, eversince A passed away, we got closer and without these two, I don't even know how my life would be. Thank you girls for being there for me all the time. Thank you for having my back always, thank you for being a part of my happiness, thank you for everything. I love you girls ❤️

Back in Secondary School days, I had the most fun classmates. It was like, we conquered the whole class because 3/4 of us are malays. We've seen each and everyone of us grow up and that's actually the most beautiful thing. Because not only that, the school has changed! Well, not much. But still, there was some renovations here and there. But of course, I can not thank Ahmad Zamakhsyari & Eirwan Shah for being the best brothers I've ever have in my life and these two always got my back too. We shared so much memories together and I can never thank Him enough for letting me meet these two. They're like my real blood brothers that I will never forget and thank you for always observing me from a far since all of us are already busy with work. Thank you to their partners too, Bella & Feeqah, for being very lovely and I swear I miss the 5 of us hanging out together! Also to Rash who was my Secondary School bestfriend and we were like sisters already. Always hanging out at her house and she always got my back too. Easy to say, everyone that I'll be mentioning here, always, got my back. Rash has always been here for me and although we both are very, very busy with work right now, I'm very happy that the friendship did not stop there. The friendship is still going and I'm very blessed. Really, very, blessed. All of us stayed together until we became Junior Alumni after graduating Secondary School and we had to stop since we were all busy with school at that point of time. Not to forget, Nazurah Rauhah who has been the best of bestfriend in my whole entire life that even my late dad love her just like his own daughter. Thank you for being here for me when I was at my lowest point, thank you for proving to me that you're one true friend that I can always count on. Thank you for crying with me when I was at my downfall, thank you for hugging me whenever I needed them, thank you for taking a very good care of me when A went away, thank you for always accompanying me at home and entertaining me with my games and movies. Thank you so much. Thank you to these 4, for giving me the best memories I've ever had back in Secondary School. 💕

Fast forward to ITE days, I decided to apply for ITE Central because I wanted to be away from everybody and I got it! Despite waking up early in the morning to travel all the way to ITE Central which is at Ang Mo Kio, the girls I've met there are the reasons to why I always look forward to going to school everyday! Farah, Iyka, Sarah, Adawiya, Sofea, Nora, Yan & Mariah. I swear, ITE Central moments are the best moments I've had in my life. It was also the year of my downfall. I lost my uncle, my grandmum & my dad that year. It feels like I was really battling with a lot of emotions to be okay, but these people never fail to make things easier for me. We've been through so many fights, laughters, fun moments and I can not forget all of it. Good thing is, we're still in contact with everyone through social medias & I'm happy to be Iyka's Maid-of-Honour in a few months because she's getting married! I'm so happy for her and may she be blessed with all the happiness, good health & wealth with her future husband, InsyaAllah. Thank you girls & Yan for all the best memories we've had! 💝 I got in ITE West when I got accepted for a course there and I swear I didn't like the school as much as I love ITE Central. Really. But thanks to the group of girls for making things happen. Without these girls, I don't know what I'd do. I think I would've drop out by then hahaha.

So many memories I have in my life throughout my whole entire 22 years of living, I can never believe how far I've come. For every single time I feel like giving up, I always tell myself to be patient for a little bit more. I always tell myself to keep on going, and going and never give up. Like the lyrics of Hard Times from Paramore, "And I still don't know how I even survived hard times." I've lost so many people to Him eversince 2013 and honestly, 2017 was the year of my 2nd downfall. I lost the man whom I thought was my everything until he went away and meet The Creator. Up till today, I wonder to myself. Why wasn't I there for every single person that has left me? Why was I not there to witness their last breath? Why wasn't I there to see them shut their eyes? Why? So many questions in my mind and I finally realize that what if I was actually there to witness those people having their last breath? What if I was there to witness them shutting their eyes forever? What if I was there to witness their pain? Only He knows. And of course, there are reasons why I wasn't there for each and every one that has left me forever. Wallahualam. I could've been worse. I could be depressed for the longest time, I could be so upset forever. And He knows best. With everything that I'm facing eversince A's departure, it feels like I couldn't do it. It feels like I really want to give up everything. It feels like, I'm so done & so tired of living. But thank god, there's this lady name Aida Azlin, and I always catch up with her video journals, had a topic about whether our places in Heaven is guaranteed. And honestly, after I watched that, I'm reminded of how many deeds have I actually done in this world and it makes me realize that I'm here, in this world, not to please everyone around me. But to pleased Him. And in that video, there was a sentence that I will always remember by heart & mind. "We will rest with the first step we take into Jannah."

May the month of July be a memorial month for everybody. Goodnight!

x,

nj.