I used to be with someone who silently damage me. Who broke me without me realising. I was with the person for a year plus. Everything was great when it was during the 'chasing' moments. He puts in efforts to be there for me and to bring me out to release stress whenever I was having problems and at that moment, I thought to myself "he is great." But after everything that has happened, I realised that some things aren't great. In a relationship, communication are one of the most important factor to me. I never ever believe in "3 months honeymoon period." At the end of the day, if you love a person, you would go an extra mile for that person no matter how many months or years you've been with them. THE CHASING MOMENTS DOESN'T STOP. Because when it does, it means your love towards them stops too. When you stop putting in an effort, it doesn't mean the honeymoon period is over. It means, you stop appreciating them. Instead of fighting and leaving the other person hanging, both parties should be talking about what the problem was and find solutions // ways to tackle the problems together, am I right to say that? I think I am. But what I realised was, this person always left me hanging after a fight and said "you need to understand that i'm like this. after a fight, i don't feel like talking to anyone." I was upset but I thought to myself, "its okay." Knowing that I have mental issues, I had to find my ways to distract myself from having negative thoughts. And that's when I realised too, that whenever I have problems in my life, never ever run away from it. Because if I do, the more the problems will come and haunt me, every day, every night.
I remembered the times he hurt me badly with his words. There was once where I was depressed due to work and school and I was very stressful and all I needed was his comfort. His attention. For him to be there for me. After all, whenever you're down, you'd always want your partner to be there for you first, right? But this was what he said to me, "If I come down right now, it would be I'm forced to do so, not like I want to. But I am force to. Just to comfort you when I don't want to" somewhere along the line if I could remember but yeah, that was what he told me. I couldn't help it. But few months ago, I had suicidal thoughts and instead of having him to come over and rescue me, a friend of mine who stayed so far away from me compared to this guy that I loved so much and stayed few blocks away from me, came down to rescue me even when it was already 1 in the morning. And that's when I realised some things. I realised that I have friends who cared for me more than the guy ever do. I have friends who loves me more than the guy ever do. I remembered crying for days and let my depression took over me cos at that moment, I thought to myself "does this guy really love me?" "do I really mean something to him?" But yet again, I was blinded by it and I told myself "it's okay, this shall pass." Some of my friends that met him told me that he looks okay, that he is nice, someone that is easy to talk to and all that. But, they didn't really know what I was going through. And when I told them, it feels like it's too good to be true.
I remembered the times he hurt me badly with his words. There was once where I was depressed due to work and school and I was very stressful and all I needed was his comfort. His attention. For him to be there for me. After all, whenever you're down, you'd always want your partner to be there for you first, right? But this was what he said to me, "If I come down right now, it would be I'm forced to do so, not like I want to. But I am force to. Just to comfort you when I don't want to" somewhere along the line if I could remember but yeah, that was what he told me. I couldn't help it. But few months ago, I had suicidal thoughts and instead of having him to come over and rescue me, a friend of mine who stayed so far away from me compared to this guy that I loved so much and stayed few blocks away from me, came down to rescue me even when it was already 1 in the morning. And that's when I realised some things. I realised that I have friends who cared for me more than the guy ever do. I have friends who loves me more than the guy ever do. I remembered crying for days and let my depression took over me cos at that moment, I thought to myself "does this guy really love me?" "do I really mean something to him?" But yet again, I was blinded by it and I told myself "it's okay, this shall pass." Some of my friends that met him told me that he looks okay, that he is nice, someone that is easy to talk to and all that. But, they didn't really know what I was going through. And when I told them, it feels like it's too good to be true.
I remembered him wanting to let me go on our 6th months of being together and I remembered how much I begged him to stay. And I still remember when he said to me "do you think I have the heart to see you after a fight?" And at that moment, I thought I was at fault. Man, he was really good at manipulating his words. And at that moment, I said to myself "oh ya, maybe he was right." But now that it hit me, I am hurt. Like, very hurt. It feels like he hated me so much due to the fight that he doesn't even want to see my face. I ever asked about marriage life and how he would handle a fight and he agreed when I ask "so if we fought, you won't sleep in the same room as me?" He said "Yes." Damn, that's one hurtful truth. Honestly. There was a time where he ever said that he doesn't mind being alone because he is used to being alone. And when I asked "So why did you want me to be your girlfriend?" And he said "Because I love you, no other reason." Cliche, isn't it? And at that moment, I was stupid to believe it. Stupid to not realised that it was cliche as fuck. Love really made us blind, huh? I was left alone a lot of times during the relationship until I realised that I could finally stand on my own feet. And at that moment too, I realised that I've been loving him more than he did. I realised that my effort was so much more than what he has given me. And I realised that he has not been loving me but instead, he stayed just to prove to people that he could 'tahan' with my mental issues.
After all the hurts and sadness I've gotten from that relationship, I realised that I shouldn't be stooping so damn low. I had a primary school best friend who always told me "Afiq left you with a lesson to learn. To never ever settle for the less." And that's when I realised, instead of being with someone who doesn't care about me, who doesn't love me as much, who doesn't want me as much, who doesn't think of me as much, I should actually be with someone who is willing to help me out with my mental issues. I should be with someone who makes me genuinely and sincerely happy. I should be with someone who helps me think positive everyday. I should be with someone who would do an extra mile for me. I realised that I shouldn't be with someone who damage me, who broke me silently, who manipulates me with his words, who left me alone after every fight and WHO DOESN'T EVEN APOLOGISE AFTER EVERY FIGHT.
He broke me into a million pieces that I get haunted with each and my actions every now and then. Is my effort ever worth for someone? Is my love ever enough? Am I doing the right thing? Am I being an over-reacting bitch? Was it okay for me to react however I react on a certain situation? Damn... I got hurt badly. Really, really badly. But right now, I can never be more than happy of the decision I made. I left him, for good. I never regret once and I am genuinely, sincerely happy. I'm thankful of my friends and cousins who gave me moral supports at times when I'm down and not to forget, having all my 3 A's photos in my room are what keeps me going each day. I am grateful of what I have today, and who I have today. Without all of them, I don't think I am able to be where I am today.
Goodnight, everyone x
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