Time check ; its 0313hrs and I am unable to fall asleep. I've been wondering, why am I not able to fall asleep easily just like how I did few weeks ago? Why am I feeling down these few days? So many 'whys' in my mind and I realised I'm on my way to overthinking. "STOP!" I told my mind. "Access the problem and then find the solution." That was what one of my closest girlfriend told me before. I took a deep breath, I breathe out and I tell myself "Okay, let's do this. Let's access the problem." Why was I feeling so down? And I recalled something that happened just days ago. My aunt (my mum's side) passed away on Sunday, 2nd August 2020. It was one of the heartbreaking news I ever received ever since my late dad passed away. I recalled crying so badly and I went to visit her and my cousins that night. A little back story, my uncle passed away the same year as my late dad. We've got closer since then to give strengths to each other. I saw how my late aunt got real sick until she went away. It was devastating. She was a motherly figure to me too and I started to wonder, what if I lose my mum one day? I mean, I'm unable to predict how much time she has left in this world, you know? I started to imagine a lot of things but at that night, the moment I reach my cousin's place, I told myself "Let's not cry, let's be there for them." I let my mum enter the house, followed by Abg Asraf and me. When I was about to enter the house, I keep having the mindset of wanting to be the tougher one because I really wanted to be there for my cousins. But there was 1 thing she said to me as she was hugging and crying to me and that is "Nurul.... Kakak dah tak ada mak, tak ada bapak..." Astaghfirullah hal adzim, I trembled, I cried and I wanted to faint. I knew at that moment, I can never unheard that. It hit me right through my heart. I was heartbroken. I felt like, my whole world was gone. Ya Allah, grant them patience. Grant them strength. Grant them peace. As I enter the master bedroom, my late aunt was in front of me, on her bed, laying down. Peacefully. Eyes closed. And I cried, so badly. Non-stop.
I had so much thoughts in my mind at that moment. Ya Allah, you gave me another challenge. A challenge I didn't expect. A challenge I didn't thought would happen this fast. astaghfirullah hal adzim.. And then I told myself, "screw it. I can't be the tougher one. I need to cry to let out however I was feeling. I have to acknowledge my emotions. I can't run away from it." And I cried. For a good 15 minutes (of course, I didn't wail) it was just those normal cries. After crying and making prayers for my late aunt, I went out to the living room and talked to my cousins about it. After much talking, we decided to go home to have a rest for the funeral next day. I met one of my closest girlfriend for awhile, went home, nap for 30 mins and did my Solat Tahajjud. Ya Allah, it felt really good. I cried so hard while having conversations with The Almighty and that my friends, never felt any better. I am so, so proud of myself that I keep resorting to The Almighty whenever I want to cry, feel sad, feel happy, angry, frustrated. Because He is always there. And He listens to us. He hears everything we say. And for that, I am very grateful for Him and for every rezeki He has given me. Thank you, Ya Allah. Indeed, You are The Greatest.
Next day. The funeral day. I followed to send her off at the cemetery and the ustaz started his speech. As I was crying and listening to the ustaz, I realize how sinful I have been to The Almighty and I was thinking so much about how would it be when my time comes. Will my family, cousins, friends be there for me? Will they send me off? Will they make prayers for me? Astaghfirullah hal adzim. I snapped out of it and thought to myself, that should not be the most important factor at that moment. What's important was, "Have I done enough to Please Allah?" I started crying to myself, so bad. And at that moment, 1 thing came on to my mind. "Nj, it's time for you to take the next step. If you want to see ayah in Heaven, waiting for you, try to stop the rest of the bad habits." What hit me the most was when the ustaz said "Siapakah Tuhan kamu?" "Siapakah Nabi Kamu?" And so on.... It hit me in the heart. Really. And then questions in my mind was "Am I ready for this? Will I be able to answer all that once my time is up?" Ya Allah, forgive me for all of my sins.... I started to realize a whole lot of things and 1 thing I remembered telling myself was "There is nothing in this world that I fear, except The Almighty." At that very moment, I wanted to just go home and cry to Him, talked to Him. Which I did, after we got home from the funeral.
Before going home, we visited my late dad's grave and I cried so badly. I was thinking about how much I've sinned in this world and I cannot imagine the suffers that Ayah is having for carrying my sins. I wish I could ask Ayah for forgiveness. I wish I could tell Ayah in person that I was sorry. I wish I could hug Ayah because I missed him and there's so many things that I wanted to share with him. But he's not here anymore... And I knew that The Almighty is All-Just. He sees and He hears all of our prayers. And that's where I quickly take the wudhu, solat, and cried to Him. MasyaAllah, at this moment, I am so proud of myself because I am able to access my problem and find comfort in Him for always listening to my prayers and my cries. But tonight, it's different.
The time of the month is here and it feels like I'm unable to speak to Him (in a way or another) but one of the things that I am able to do is to always istighfar and zikir and do good deeds by helping people out and many more. But I still feel incomplete. Maybe because it's my first time feeling this way after few weeks of not feeling it, that's why I'm anxious. But hey dear self, you're getting better. You made it this far. You went a lot and look at where you are right now. You've been dealing things on your own these past weeks and you did it! I am so, so proud of you. I am so proud of who you are today. Dear self, you need to acknowledge your feelings. You cannot run away from it. Acknowledge whatever you're feeling but don't dwell on it, okay? You can do this. Take a very deep breath, in and out, istighfar and find things to distract yourself. Reading, for an instance. Do good deeds. There are many ways to occupy yourself. You've done it before, you can do it again, dear self. I love you, dear self. I love my friends, my family. And I love Allah.
xx,
nj.
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