I'll see you in my dreams.

It has been very hard for me to express out my feelings, to talk about it or even pen it down. Heck, I can't even blog about it. Hence, I've not been updating my blog for half a year now. Not that I'm feeling sad and I couldn't express it out but even when I'm happy, I actually forgot how to feel happy. Honestly, I don't even know why it has been hard for me to speak up about however I've been feeling. I've been wanting to post something on my blog but I couldn't find the right words to put it into the right sentence and it has been so hard for me to talk about literally.... anything. So here I am, trying my very best to post something tonight.

I started off my 2019 with the best people I've met in my life. Obviously, it was my ICA colleagues. We went to Universal Studios Singapore together as a company retreat and I finally brought along my boyfriend to meet my friends. I told him that I'm not good with introductions, to be honest, but I'm very grateful that he knows how to actually make himself comfortable around people and knows how to socialize with people. 

Time flies and my contract was not renewed at ICA. I applied for several jobs and was hoping that I could start my new job as soon as possible. And I managed to get a job. Where? To the place I used to call my 2nd home. Sentosa. We go way back to the time I work there as a part-timer in 2013 and I went on to Shangri-La at Siloso Point as an intern and converted to being a full-timer. I left the island in 2017, went to work as a civil servant and now I'm back here. Can't deny, I miss my colleagues back in ICA but I guess my 'rezeki' is just not there, and I'm actually glad to be back in the island although I am working for a different department. I left ICA with a heavy heart to be honest, but I am also glad that I am out of that place.

And then.... it was Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Reminds me of how much I actually miss my dad and I kinda miss A at that moment. Up till today, I still believe that it was my fault and all of this wouldn't have happened if it's not because of me. Family of A, if you're reading this, it's okay. I know how much everyone has been reminding me that none of this is my fault but to be honest, I feel useless and I can never stop blaming myself for everything that has happened. I hope you're doing okay up there, A. May He protects you and may Jannah be the place for you, insyaAllah. May we see each other again in the afterlife. Not to forget, my dad too. I've missed him alot lately and I guess it's because my birthday is coming as well and how it actually reminded me that it has been 5 years + since dad left all of us and I've missed celebrating my birthdays with him. I went raya with my ICA colleagues and I am happy that I get to visit few of their houses. Actually, it was really few. We went to only 5 houses. And chill out at 1 of the house for 1.5 to nearly 2 hours. Hahaha, but it was great. Cos all we had to do was entertaining my colleague's son and he's so cute omg. I love him so much! Again, I was sick at that point of time and I thank my boyfriend again for taking a very good care of me. You're honestly amazing. Thank you for always protecting me and making sure I am okay, always. You're such a sweetheart.

Another thing that I would love to highlight, is the picture here. We have been friends ever since primary school and can you believe it that this is our very first time going out for raya to each other's house? Can you guys believe it?? Because I myself couldn't. It's ridiculous, our houses are just a block away and it actually took us 16 years to finally go out for raya visiting together. Pathetic but at least we did it! Khaliesa is on the left & Sabrina is in the middle. And that's how I ended my Hari Raya.

Few more days to my birthday and I'm excited to go for my holiday trip. This time round, I am going to Genting Highlands and yes, I am going to vlog about it obviously. I hope in time to come, I am able to go somewhere further, just like how I went to Gold Coast last year. Gosh, I miss the country, the city, shops, and of course, the weather! Can't wait to actually be back. I really miss it. Well for this year's birthday, I decided to leave on my birthday itself because I felt like I deserve to have a good time on my birthday (although I'm not really going to because I am going to work in the morning and off to Genting after work). But again, let's keep a positive mindset and put aside the negativity alright.

Time check, its 11.55pm and I obviously have to go to bed as I am working tomorrow. Maybe my post this time is a little bit dead but I promise, I will try to post things often here. But of course, I'd be doing that "Ask me question" on instagram because I obviously need everyone to help me open up a topic for my next post! Goodnight everyone, have a good sleep & have a very good tuesday tomorrow. Takecare and protect yourself from any harm!

Signing off,

NJ.