One more month.

 One more month.

I'm left with 1 more month before I move out. 1 more month to treasure this place. 1 more month to packing. 1 more month to accept the fact that this place will no longer be the place that I call home. 1 more month to reminisce this place. All the good, the bad. Every little thing. My childhood, my birthday parties, my milestones celebration. The death of my father. The place that I entered the darkness. The place that made me forget who I was. The place where I cry my hearts out every single night. Depressed, anxiety. Starve. Anger. Upset. And the list goes on. I used to tell myself to do things to distract myself from being sad. But I also told myself that I have to let out what I feel, in order to accept my feelings and acknowledge them. Today (and for I don't know how long), I choose to let out what I feel because I know, this one is going to be really hard.

It's different than being married and having to move out to a new place. You'd always have your current place to run back to (or should I say, parent's place). 20+ years of being in this place I call home; I know it will not be easy to leave. As much as I have to accept it, I know it's going to take me a long time to get used to it. As much as the new place will still be around the neighborhood, this specific home holds a special place in my heart. 20+ years. How do one move on from that? My whole childhood was here. I grew up here. As I'm typing this, I reflect on who I was when I first moved in, and who I am today. Lots & lots of things has changed, especially me. From a young, 6-year-old, moving into a new place, not knowing what the future holds, will my new friends in the primary school be friendly, are the kids around the neighborhood kind, is there weird people around... It's also the place where I started to have interest in baking. I still remember the first thing I baked was chocolate chip cookies with a shaped of an Ice-Cream. Secretly eating them late at night, having my mum asking me the next day, "Where's all the cookies?!" It was also the place where I got stitches from falling into the drain while playing blind mice with the playground kids, only to realize that all of them left the moment I fell (hahahaha useless people sia). Got myself 10 stitches on my chin, MC for 2 weeks. What a memory. It's also the place where I was diagnosed with childhood asthma. Still remember my dad brought me over to the 24hr clinic and having to learn how to use the inhaler (sucha bummer). 

Years passed on, it's the place where we held my dad's funeral. It was surreal. Up till this date, I can still remember vividly everything that happened. Coincidentally, 10 years on, we're selling the house that he has left for us. My thoughts were to create so many memories in this house. But surely, The Almighty has better plans for us. This is also the place where I entered the darkness in 2017. The place where I was diagnosed with Depression & Anxiety. The room that I slept on, used to be called the Satan room. Suicidal was calling out to me badly, every single day & night. Being an indoor person was not my thing. So, I stayed out quite a lot for that moment. I knew that if I were to go home, the dark will creep into my body, telling me to suicide. Would I every want to go through that phase again? No. But did I regret it? No, too. Because all in all, it has shaped me to who I am today. For all the times my room was too bad for me to live in, I still treasure it the most. At one point, it became my home. My room as my home. I was able to love myself again, I was able to go home to my room without the darkness disturbing me. I healed. And I'm thankful. 

Now? Now I have 1 month left to do everything. From packing, to accepting that I will no longer go home to this place. The place that I call home. 

Only God knows.

 3 days has passed ever since daddy's birthday. There isn't a statement on how I can express how much I've missed him for the past 9 years. I know for the fact that I have Redha, but the feeling of missing a father's love is very strong. Sometimes, I feel upset that he's not around anymore to keep a look out for me, an outlet for me to pour out my feelings or to just have someone to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I love my mum as much as I love my dad. But being the only daughter & last child was what made me feel extra special in the family. I still feel that I am special, considering my mum & brothers took a very well care of me, but I just miss having conversations with my dad. Period. 

Sometimes when I visit him, I talk to myself as if I'm talking to him. Nope, not crazy. Just pouring out everything that has been happening and I cry. I mean, of course we'll cry sometimes when visiting the grave of a person we have long missed. But one of the other reasons as to why I cry was knowing that he can't answer me back but I can hear his voice thru my mind. Motivating me, cheering for me & telling me that everything will be okay. That's one of the many reasons as to why I am able to continue with my life, no matter the challenges I have faced.

I'd wonder to myself at times. Have I done enough as a daughter for him & my mum? Have I been a good daughter for them? Only God knows. I can't blame The Almighty for taking daddy away, of course. And sometimes, I know & tell myself that there are reasons as to why He took him away. I wouldn't say I was young at the time daddy passed on. I was 17. I still remember how my heart shattered knowing that I wasn't around him when he was gone. But I can't fight my fate. And I leave it up to God on my fate as well. If it was meant to be that way, then I have no other way but to accept that. Probably for the best. He knows that maybe I wouldn't be able to accept daddy's passing if I was around him during his last breath. The Almighty is indeed, great. 

My boyfriend has been nothing but very supportive of me. Whatever challenges I have had during our relationship, he never failed to motivate me & cheer for me, pretty much like how daddy would have done. He did not judge my doings, and guided me as to what is right & what is wrong. I'm very contented with what I have, especially my current relationship. He's quite shy, hahaha so I ain't going to show his face just yet, until he gives me the green light to :p I thank The Almighty so much for this amazing relationship I have with my boyfriend. We knew each other back in the past but the boy was too action to talk to me! HAHAHA and well, that mischievous boy is now my boyfriend. 

I pray everyday for The Almighty to bless our relationship. We grew together in this coming to 2 years of our relationship. Seen each other's worst downfall but never leaving each other's side. Stayed through no matter the problems we face and I am so glad to be in this relationship with him. He can be quite angsty but he has learn to be more loving now hehehehe. That 'tough' guy I've known from the start has now change into a soft-spoken, soft hearted person. And I am so bless. So lucky to be with him. Thank you babe for making me the happiest woman on earth (chey), hehehe but of course, ultimately, Thank you to The Almighty for making this happen. May our relationship be bless with more & more rezeki in any forms, insyaAllah.

Till then, Selamat Hari Raya to everyone celebrating this amazing month. <3

Once, I....

Once, I was afraid of losing someone very dearly to me after losing my father. 

A year ago during my birthday, something happened and it was one of the worst downfall ever after arwah's passing. I lost a boy (literally, he's a boy lol) that I thought I love so much. Unfortunately, he left me 2 days before my birthday. I was left alone, crying, in pain, asking The Almighty, why? Why do I get downfall after downfall? And I realised that I wasn't supposed to planned my life because... He has and will always be the best planner ever. As a human being, I failed to realised this, "when The Almighty gave us one of the greatest blessings in our lives, He can take it back any time from us because He can." He would take it back the moment He realised that we took his blessings for granted. I remembered crying so badly, asking "why does this always happen to me?" Yet, I realised again that I may have took things for granted. Few months later, He gave me one of the greatest blessings that I currently have in my life. It was someone that I knew back in the days, never talked before but here we are today, being the greatest blessings in each other's life, sharing great memories, laughing at each other's jokes, disturbing each other jokingly and many more. Being with him made me realised that planning things ahead is not a good thing because it doesn't work that way. It reminded me that The Almighty is indeed the best planner. Up till today, I didn't expect that we'd cross paths. I didn't expect we'd be together till this date. I thought it was a fling, just a 1 time meet up thing. But here we are today, being a pain in each other's asses but I'm very thankful. 

Within a year of our relationship, I learnt a lot. We went through a lot of ups and downs together and the #1 highlight of our relationship was the moment when he just ORD from NS & I was out of job so the routine of our life was working together, from 10-8/9pm, getting ourselves settled down after reaching home, playing games till midnight and the cycle continues for a good 2 months. I remembered how we didn't even go out for a date and just work our asses off from Mon-Sun without resting. We'd split the pay when we got them and treat each other to good foods in between our working hours. Man, I would go back to that day if I get to choose which part of my life that I could re-live. That moment of my life was 1 of the best part ever because we didn't bring up about whose effort was more or whose money was used up the most when it comes to food or topping up petrol and other things that I may have forgotten but the point here is, we both knew that we did it sincerely and never want to bring it up because it would have cause a mess in the relationship and it's not healthy. That moment of my life was also the part where I knew that we can depend on each other. In a good way, of course. Like when either of us are at our downfall, we'd be there, motivating each other & giving moral supports to keep each other going. 

I also learnt a lot from his life and all the values he has taught me. Honestly, I wish daddy was still around and could've met him because he is such a lovely person and I also know that daddy would've loved him. But again, I know that daddy is looking upon us from the above and he knows that I'm in good hands & that he doesn't have to worry. It's easy. If he ever hurt me, daddy will turn up in his dream and scold him (HAHAHAHA IM KIDDING, IM JUST SAYING IT COS HE'S PROBABLY READING THIS AND SMILING cos that's how we joke around each other). I am very thankful that he brought me to his family and hang out with them most of the time (when we were not as busy as we are now). It makes me feel like there's a sense of belonging and honestly, I am thankful of him because he made my relationship with my family better in a sense that whenever I'm with his family, it reminds me that family is everything and especially my mum. My relationship with her has been amazing and I am thankful to him and it's all also thanks to The Almighty. Without me knowing, this guy is really a blessing in disguise. The Almighty let us cross paths for us to learn a lot from each other. So thank you, ah boy (his nickname) and most of all, thank you to The Almighty. I am very grateful and indeed, I am happy. Of course, there are times where we'd fight like 2 mad people but we'd always look past through it because we both know that it's unhealthy to keep on fighting. Really thankful for him. 

Thank you for everything, ah boy. You are amazing, you're sweet & such a lovely boy. I am the happiest whenever I'm with you, I am blessed to have you in my life. Here's to many more years of disturbing each other, birthdays together and many more years of achieving our milestones together! 

p.s we like to keep it as a mystery because it's much more fun that way! 

1 step at a time.

Time check ; its 0313hrs and I am unable to fall asleep. I've been wondering, why am I not able to fall asleep easily just like how I did few weeks ago? Why am I feeling down these few days? So many 'whys' in my mind and I realised I'm on my way to overthinking. "STOP!" I told my mind. "Access the problem and then find the solution." That was what one of my closest girlfriend told me before. I took a deep breath, I breathe out and I tell myself "Okay, let's do this. Let's access the problem." Why was I feeling so down? And I recalled something that happened just days ago. My aunt (my mum's side) passed away on Sunday, 2nd August 2020. It was one of the heartbreaking news I ever received ever since my late dad passed away. I recalled crying so badly and I went to visit her and my cousins that night. A little back story, my uncle passed away the same year as my late dad. We've got closer since then to give strengths to each other. I saw how my late aunt got real sick until she went away. It was devastating. She was a motherly figure to me too and I started to wonder, what if I lose my mum one day? I mean, I'm unable to predict how much time she has left in this world, you know? I started to imagine a lot of things but at that night, the moment I reach my cousin's place, I told myself "Let's not cry, let's be there for them." I let my mum enter the house, followed by Abg Asraf and me. When I was about to enter the house, I keep having the mindset of wanting to be the tougher one because I really wanted to be there for my cousins. But there was 1 thing she said to me as she was hugging and crying to me and that is "Nurul.... Kakak dah tak ada mak, tak ada bapak..." Astaghfirullah hal adzim, I trembled, I cried and I wanted to faint. I knew at that moment, I can never unheard that. It hit me right through my heart. I was heartbroken. I felt like, my whole world was gone. Ya Allah, grant them patience. Grant them strength. Grant them peace. As I enter the master bedroom, my late aunt was in front of me, on her bed, laying down. Peacefully. Eyes closed. And I cried, so badly. Non-stop.

I had so much thoughts in my mind at that moment. Ya Allah, you gave me another challenge. A challenge I didn't expect. A challenge I didn't thought would happen this fast. astaghfirullah hal adzim.. And then I told myself, "screw it. I can't be the tougher one. I need to cry to let out however I was feeling. I have to acknowledge my emotions. I can't run away from it." And I cried. For a good 15 minutes (of course, I didn't wail) it was just those normal cries. After crying and making prayers for my late aunt, I went out to the living room and talked to my cousins about it. After much talking, we decided to go home to have a rest for the funeral next day. I met one of my closest girlfriend for awhile, went home, nap for 30 mins and did my Solat Tahajjud. Ya Allah, it felt really good. I cried so hard while having conversations with The Almighty and that my friends, never felt any better. I am so, so proud of myself that I keep resorting to The Almighty whenever I want to cry, feel sad, feel happy, angry, frustrated. Because He is always there. And He listens to us. He hears everything we say. And for that, I am very grateful for Him and for every rezeki He has given me. Thank you, Ya Allah. Indeed, You are The Greatest.

Next day. The funeral day. I followed to send her off at the cemetery and the ustaz started his speech. As I was crying and listening to the ustaz, I realize how sinful I have been to The Almighty and I was thinking so much about how would it be when my time comes. Will my family, cousins, friends be there for me? Will they send me off? Will they make prayers for me? Astaghfirullah hal adzim. I snapped out of it and thought to myself, that should not be the most important factor at that moment. What's important was, "Have I done enough to Please Allah?" I started crying to myself, so bad. And at that moment, 1 thing came on to my mind. "Nj, it's time for you to take the next step. If you want to see ayah in Heaven, waiting for you, try to stop the rest of the bad habits." What hit me the most was when the ustaz said "Siapakah Tuhan kamu?" "Siapakah Nabi Kamu?" And so on.... It hit me in the heart. Really. And then questions in my mind was "Am I ready for this? Will I be able to answer all that once my time is up?" Ya Allah, forgive me for all of my sins.... I started to realize a whole lot of things and 1 thing I remembered telling myself was "There is nothing in this world that I fear, except The Almighty." At that very moment, I wanted to just go home and cry to Him, talked to Him. Which I did, after we got home from the funeral. 

Before going home, we visited my late dad's grave and I cried so badly. I was thinking about how much I've sinned in this world and I cannot imagine the suffers that Ayah is having for carrying my sins. I wish I could ask Ayah for forgiveness. I wish I could tell Ayah in person that I was sorry. I wish I could hug Ayah because I missed him and there's so many things that I wanted to share with him. But he's not here anymore... And I knew that The Almighty is All-Just. He sees and He hears all of our prayers. And that's where I quickly take the wudhu, solat, and cried to Him. MasyaAllah, at this moment, I am so proud of myself because I am able to access my problem and find comfort in Him for always listening to my prayers and my cries. But tonight, it's different. 

The time of the month is here and it feels like I'm unable to speak to Him (in a way or another) but one of the things that I am able to do is to always istighfar and zikir and do good deeds by helping people out and many more. But I still feel incomplete. Maybe because it's my first time feeling this way after few weeks of not feeling it, that's why I'm anxious. But hey dear self, you're getting better. You made it this far. You went a lot and look at where you are right now. You've been dealing things on your own these past weeks and you did it! I am so, so proud of you. I am so proud of who you are today. Dear self, you need to acknowledge your feelings. You cannot run away from it. Acknowledge whatever you're feeling but don't dwell on it, okay? You can do this. Take a very deep breath, in and out, istighfar and find things to distract yourself. Reading, for an instance. Do good deeds. There are many ways to occupy yourself. You've done it before, you can do it again, dear self. I love you, dear self. I love my friends, my family. And I love Allah. 

xx,

nj.

I used to have someone.....

I used to be with someone who silently damage me. Who broke me without me realising. I was with the person for a year plus. Everything was great when it was during the 'chasing' moments. He puts in efforts to be there for me and to bring me out to release stress whenever I was having problems and at that moment, I thought to myself "he is great." But after everything that has happened, I realised that some things aren't great. In a relationship, communication are one of the most important factor to me. I never ever believe in "3 months honeymoon period." At the end of the day, if you love a person, you would go an extra mile for that person no matter how many months or years you've been with them. THE CHASING MOMENTS DOESN'T STOP. Because when it does, it means your love towards them stops too. When you stop putting in an effort, it doesn't mean the honeymoon period is over. It means, you stop appreciating them. Instead of fighting and leaving the other person hanging, both parties should be talking about what the problem was and find solutions // ways to tackle the problems together, am I right to say that? I think I am. But what I realised was, this person always left me hanging after a fight and said "you need to understand that i'm like this. after a fight, i don't feel like talking to anyone." I was upset but I thought to myself, "its okay." Knowing that I have mental issues, I had to find my ways to distract myself from having negative thoughts. And that's when I realised too, that whenever I have problems in my life, never ever run away from it. Because if I do, the more the problems will come and haunt me, every day, every night.

I remembered the times he hurt me badly with his words. There was once where I was depressed due to work and school and I was very stressful and all I needed was his comfort. His attention. For him to be there for me. After all, whenever you're down, you'd always want your partner to be there for you first, right? But this was what he said to me, "If I come down right now, it would be I'm forced to do so, not like I want to. But I am force to. Just to comfort you when I don't want to" somewhere along the line if I could remember but yeah, that was what he told me. I couldn't help it. But few months ago, I had suicidal thoughts and instead of having him to come over and rescue me, a friend of mine who stayed so far away from me compared to this guy that I loved so much and stayed few blocks away from me, came down to rescue me even when it was already 1 in the morning. And that's when I realised some things. I realised that I have friends who cared for me more than the guy ever do. I have friends who loves me more than the guy ever do. I remembered crying for days and let my depression took over me cos at that moment, I thought to myself "does this guy really love me?" "do I really mean something to him?" But yet again, I was blinded by it and I told myself "it's okay, this shall pass." Some of my friends that met him told me that he looks okay, that he is nice, someone that is easy to talk to and all that. But, they didn't really know what I was going through. And when I told them, it feels like it's too good to be true. 

I remembered him wanting to let me go on our 6th months of being together and I remembered how much I begged him to stay. And I still remember when he said to me "do you think I have the heart to see you after a fight?" And at that moment, I thought I was at fault. Man, he was really good at manipulating his words. And at that moment, I said to myself "oh ya, maybe he was right." But now that it hit me, I am hurt. Like, very hurt. It feels like he hated me so much due to the fight that he doesn't even want to see my face. I ever asked about marriage life and how he would handle a fight and he agreed when I ask "so if we fought, you won't sleep in the same room as me?" He said "Yes." Damn, that's one hurtful truth. Honestly. There was a time where he ever said that he doesn't mind being alone because he is used to being alone. And when I asked "So why did you want me to be your girlfriend?" And he said "Because I love you, no other reason." Cliche, isn't it? And at that moment, I was stupid to believe it. Stupid to not realised that it was cliche as fuck. Love really made us blind, huh? I was left alone a lot of times during the relationship until I realised that I could finally stand on my own feet. And at that moment too, I realised that I've been loving him more than he did. I realised that my effort was so much more than what he has given me. And I realised that he has not been loving me but instead, he stayed just to prove to people that he could 'tahan' with my mental issues. 

After all the hurts and sadness I've gotten from that relationship, I realised that I shouldn't be stooping so damn low. I had a primary school best friend who always told me "Afiq left you with a lesson to learn. To never ever settle for the less." And that's when I realised, instead of being with someone who doesn't care about me, who doesn't love me as much, who doesn't want me as much, who doesn't think of me as much, I should actually be with someone who is willing to help me out with my mental issues. I should be with someone who makes me genuinely and sincerely happy. I should be with someone who helps me think positive everyday. I should be with someone who would do an extra mile for me. I realised that I shouldn't be with someone who damage me, who broke me silently, who manipulates me with his words, who left me alone after every fight and WHO DOESN'T EVEN APOLOGISE AFTER EVERY FIGHT.

He broke me into a million pieces that I get haunted with each and my actions every now and then. Is my effort ever worth for someone? Is my love ever enough? Am I doing the right thing? Am I being an over-reacting bitch? Was it okay for me to react however I react on a certain situation? Damn... I got hurt badly. Really, really badly. But right now, I can never be more than happy of the decision I made. I left him, for good. I never regret once and I am genuinely, sincerely happy. I'm thankful of my friends and cousins who gave me moral supports at times when I'm down and not to forget, having all my 3 A's photos in my room are what keeps me going each day. I am grateful of what I have today, and who I have today. Without all of them, I don't think I am able to be where I am today. 

Goodnight, everyone x

Thank you, O Allah.

Salam ramadan to everyone across the world. Can't deny, with this Covid-19 virus going around everywhere, it has been tough for everybody, especially the muslim community. We entered the month of Ramadan without being able to iftar with our love ones, our friends, our families due to the Circuit Breaker in Singapore. Initially, it was until 1st May 2020 but the Prime Minister has decided that it will be extended till 1st June 2020. And that means, we aren't able to gather at the mosque for Solat Raya on the 1st day, no visiting our families, nothing. Although it's a good thing, considering that it will help a lot for the virus to go away, I believe, most of us are sad. It feels like the good vibes of the fasting month and coming Hari Raya wouldn't be the same as to compare to the previous years. But that's okay, everyone. We can do this! Our local cases has been declining and that's a good news, right? If we continue to stay home and be socially responsible when we're out, we're helping each other by battling the virus to go away as soon as possible. Not forgetting, the frontliners who are working very hard. Kudos to all of them and I pray that they will be rewarded for working very, very hard everyday to keep Singapore safe.


I believe that this is also a tough time for most of us who has mental issues. I couldn't stand the Circuit Breaker the moment they announce, what more when they extended. I'm the type of person who always stays outdoor to distract myself from overthinking or whenever I'm depressed. But ever since this Circuit Breaker, it was hard for me to get used to staying indoors other than getting active again like how I used to jog every Friday, back then. Jogging helps me to release my tension // stress and I'm happy that it has helped me a lot to also distract myself in this tough time. I'm glad I am still able to stay outdoor, doing things that I love. Here's to my people who is suffering from mental issues. We can do this. A little while more and we'll be free, insyaAllah. Okay? Nonetheless, I'm very grateful to have my love ones during this tough time, finding time to figure out together with me on the activities that can be done at home like netflix party, or sharing screen through skype and watching movies together, playing games to upgrade my rank on Call Of Duty, trying out new recipes for my baking business, etc. It has really helped me a lot apart from me going for a jog so, here's to my loved ones who've help me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You guys are wonderful. You guys are amazing and I am blessed to have you guys around. You all know who you are.

Through this tough time, I bought few books to keep myself occupied as well. Initially, reading was a no for me. Trust me, I could fall asleep the moment I read the first paragraph HAHAHA! But, I realise that I should read it out so that I won't fall asleep and it has helped since then. One of my close friend introduced me to ImanShoppe. It's a bookstore in KL and it sells a lot of Islamic books which I then decided to try out and purchase 3 books from them and they are : -
1. The art of letting God
2. Bersangka baik pada Allah (Think Highly of Allah)
3. A Juz A Day

Currently, I'm still reading The art of letting God and I've learnt a lot since then and I'm very grateful. Apart from that, having someone who has given me moral // mental supports each day to be positive always is one of the important factors that helps me to go through my daily life and I'm very grateful of this person. You know who you are. So thank you. I appreciate and am thankful that The Almighty gave us the chance to cross paths with each other. Here's to better days ahead, InsyaAllah. The book was an eye-opener for me and it helped me in realising that things do happen for a reason and instead of wondering and thinking why certain things has to happen, we shall not stop reminding ourselves that He is the ever-loving and He knows best. All of our life journeys are beautifully written by The Almighty and I'd always remind myself that The Almighty does not give us the slightest whisper of His plans and that we should be grateful when things did not happen the way we wanted it to be because He knows what's best for us and that we should always remind that everything that happened has a blessing in disguise.

Moving forward, my relationship did not worked out and I knew it was for the best. I told myself not to dwell on it or to be sad about it because why? Everything happens for a reason and there will always be a blessing in disguise. I'm glad that the people around me helped me religiously on some days and that's what encouraged me to be a better version of myself. I'm happy to have people surrounding me with love, to always remember The Almighty and to always be grateful of what I have and what He has presented me. And honestly, I am very blessed with my life right now. Never did I mentioned about being happy that my previous relationship has come to an end but I believe that certain things have to fall apart to make way for better things. Nonetheless, thank you for the memories we've shared together. May you be blessed with happiness and good health. Right now, I just want to focus on becoming a stronger woman and to always have patience, confidence in myself and a positive mindset to go through the upcoming challenges that The Almighty has planned out for me, InsyaAllah.

Here's to the last few days of Ramadan and may we see each other again in the next Ramadan, InsyaAllah.

Unsaid Things

As I was sitting at a bench, near the beach at East Coast Park, listening to the sound of the waves accompanied by few songs that I turned on from spotify, it brought me back to the days when daddy was still around. I remembered everything so clearly like it was just yesterday I've seen him. When daddy passed on, I remembered how my heart breaks, how half of my world was crashed into million pieces. Sometimes, I can even feel his presence around me, his voices in my head, telling me to achieve my goals and be successful. But looking at myself right now, I don't think I ever achieve anything.


I remembered clearly how he pampered me like a princess. How I got everything I wanted. How my life was perfect. I miss you, daddy. I really do. I still get upset at some point of time because you aren't here with me, seeing me growing up to who I am today. Being here with me through my worst downfall. I miss you. And as I'm typing this, I hope you're looking down upon me. Although I don't really achieve certain things in my life (yet), I hope you're proud of who I am today. I hope you're proud that I'm still trying to stay strong, wiping these tears away on my own, telling myself that I can pull myself together. I hope you're proud for the times I was there for my friends, my cousins. I hope you're proud for the times that I've been there for the people around me when they need me. I hope you're proud that I'm continuing what you're good at. Being a listening ear as well as giving good advices. I remembered how my elder cousins would always find you for help, look up to you as an inspiration and I hope I get to be just like you to my younger cousins.


I recall back to the day when we had the biggest fight and I didn't apologise on the same night you apologise to me. And I regretted up till today. I regretted for not apologising to you on the same time that you did because you fell really ill the same night and due to your brain damage, you couldn't recall the fight we had and I was upset. I was upset at the fact that you couldn't acknowledge my apology. Up till today, I'd hurt myself for what I did to you. Daddy, you're one in a million and I'm very thankful to have a dad like you. I'm thankful and I'm blessed to have you as my dad. I love you, so very much although I said it everyday to you when you were still around but I hope you also know that you mean the world to me. I hope you know that you're the best daddy in the whole wide world and I would never ask for a better dad. You're everything to me. If only I had just one more chance... I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away.


People wonder why I apologise a lot of times some days. Was it because of my mental issues? Yes, partly. But it's also because I do not want to owe anybody an apology if any of us were to passed on. It happened again when Afiq was around. I didn't had the chance to apologise for being mad at him the evening he passed on. I didn't had the chance to tell him how sorry I was. And that my friends, is the reason to why I apologise a lot of times on some days. I am afraid of the same thing that would happen again. I'm scared....

Here's to my daddy who has left all of us for 7 years.